


Little White Soldiers

by DayAndNight



Category: Lashton - Fandom
Genre: Angst, M/M, Overdosing, Recovery, Self-Harm, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2014-10-26
Packaged: 2018-01-27 16:13:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1716746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DayAndNight/pseuds/DayAndNight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are days Ashton just wakes up and feels off. Almost like the world's burden is collapsing on his shoulders and that everything he does only makes it worse. Ash usually solves this with his sharp blade under the cabinet or the white pills he hides dearly. </p>
<p>Eventually though, Ashton starts to feel more than a little off and everything spirals out of control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Little White Soldiers

**Author's Note:**

> Now I would like to point out that this is the first story I've posted, so it's not that good. I'm sorry it's so short, I was just having angsty Lashton feels and needed to write something. That is also why there is literally no back story to this or anything. However, if enough people like this, I'll consider turning it into a story. So without further ado, here it is...

I counted the pills, lining them up on the tile like little white soldiers.  
One...  
For being a fuck up.  
Two...  
For not being able to even play the drums right.  
Three...  
For constantly making the boys worry.  
Four...  
For disgusting people with my face.  
Five...  
For all the hate on Twitter.  
Six...  
For falling in love with Luke. 

Once I had laid out 25 pills, I closed up the empty bottle and threw it out. No use for it now. After that was taken care of, all I needed was my trusty razor and then... then I would be ready. 

I slipped my fingers under the bottom of the sink cabinet and pulled out the piece of metal taped there. 

"Ah, there you are." I murmured and watched the light glint off of the sharp edges. "It's now or never." 

I stretched out my arm, exposing the wrist, and pulled the blade across. When only a couple drops of blood came out, I pressed harder... and harder... and harder. Until finally all I could see was a pool of scarlet and swimming little white soldiers. 

With my not mutilated arm, I picked up the first pill and swallowed it dry. It hurt like hell, but I just kept going. Swallowing pill after pill, time seemed to stretch on in the tiny bathroom. Finally when they were all gone, I chugged water from the bottle on the counter and waited. Both for the relief of my aching wrist and the achievement of death. 

I continued to sit there, bleeding out, until suddenly my phone rang. While it buzzed, I simply stared half dazed and agitatedly wondered why I hadn't turned it off. Everything was blurry but I managed to pick the cell phone up and place it to my ear, not even bothering to see who it is. 

"Hello?" I croaked and shut my eyes as my wrist throbbed angrily. 

"Hey, Ash. I was just calling to say we're on our way home." Luke's voice filled my head, as well as the faint bickering of Calum and Michael in the background. I froze. If the boys came back now, they would be the ones to find my dead body. 

"No!" I blurted out, instantly wanting to take it back. I had never sounded more panicked in my life and it was definitely going to seem suspicious. "I mean, just, don't come home yet." 

"What, why not? What's wrong?" Luke puzzled and I tried not to cry as the tears threatened to fall. 

"I... I did something bad, Lukey." I whimpered and I heard him inhale a hiss of a breath. "I'm sorry."

"Ash, what did you do?" Luke whispered and I noticed that the background noise had ceased. 

"I'm sorry, so sorry." I started to cry. My head was hurting, my wrist was hurting, and the room was spinning like a fucking roller coaster. "Everything hurts... I just want it to stop."

"No,no,no,no, Ashton, please tell me you didn't cut yourself." Luke pleaded and I sobbed into the phone. 

"Worse." I could hear Luke start to cry and somewhere near him people were shouting. 

"Ash, baby, please don't leave me. I love you. I love you so fucking much." Luke cried and I felt myself start to tilt towards the floor. I hadn't realized it, but the room was dimming. 

"I'm sorry, Luke, so very sorry. You weren't supposed to call me." I apologized over and over. I tried to keep myself sitting up, but I suddenly pitched forward. 

There was an audible crack as I hit the floor and Luke gasped. 

"Ash? Ash!" He shouted, his voice hoarse from crying. 

"I love you." I whispered as I faded into nothingness, all the while struggling to hear Luke's chorus of 'I love you's and 'I'm sorry's.


	2. Four White Walla

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashton wakes up in the hospital and is instantly confronted by an angry Michael. During the argument, Ashton lets slip more than he should.

Beep…

Beep…

Beep…

I stirred slightly at the irritating noise and scrunched my nose up.

“Ash?” A hesitant voice asked and pulled me out of the hazy fog of sleep. My eyelids fluttered open and immediately white light flooded my vision.

No.

Recognition of the four white walls around me filled me with anger and I couldn’t stop the words that leaked out.

“I shouldn’t be here.”

My voice was bitter and sharp, even to my ears. Calum, who had been the one to speak, flinched in his chair.

“You don’t mean that.” Calum said in a ragged voice and in the back of my head, I drew the conclusion that he had probably been crying. I felt a twinge of guilt, but I didn't regret what I'd done. It should have worked.

"I said what I meant." I softened my tone this time, but my words still held the same meaning. Calum inhaled slowly and I took this moment to take in his appearance. His hair was disheveled and his otherwise happy eyes, were dull. Not to mention the bags under them that made it look like he hadn't slept in a week. Overall, Calum looked like he'd been to hell and back.

"Why, Ashton, that's all I want to know." Calum asked and I raised an eyebrow at that. I was surprised that that was the only question he had.

"I'll admit, I'm surprised. That's your only question?" I voiced my thoughts and he shook his head, momentarily looking sheepish.

"No... but I don't won't to overwhelm you. I figure it'll be stressful enough when Michael confronts you." Calum murmured and I glanced at him sharply. When Michael confronts me?

"What wrong with Mikey?" I asked hesitantly and Calum started to say something before he was interrupted by the sound of footsteps.

"I guess you'll find out now." He responded and I shot him a worried glance. Turning my attention back to the door, I watched silently as Michael stormed in. 

"Who the hell do you think you are, Ashton Irwin?" Michael growled and I shrunk back into the hospital bed. Why could Michael possibly be so angry at me? 

"Wha-what?" I stuttered and Michael glared, coming around to the side of the bed. 

"Do you even realize what you've done? You screwed Luke up so badly; he's been hysterical ever since you decided to off yourself!" Michael shouted and I felt anger bubble up inside me, rushing through my veins. 

"Screw you, Michael! I'm sorry that I hurt Luke; I never meant for him to call. That doesn't mean that you can run in here and act like you know everything! I have been in so much pain these past couple of days and I'm sorry that I was selfish for once in my life! You don't understand how much I hate myself, what the twitter hate has done to me! Fuck you, Clifford, fuck you." In the beginning I'd been yelling, but somewhere along the way I'd started sobbing. By the time I was done ranting, tears were streaming down my face like a waterfall. All of the emotions from the past few days were finally coming out and it felt like I was being torn apart. 

Both Michael and Calum looked shocked. I'd never once expressed that the recent Twitter hate was bothering me. I'd always brush fit off with a smile and the boys had believed me every time. 

"Ash..." Calum started but I shook my head, effectively cutting him off. 

"Stop. I shouldn't have even said that. Forget it." I sighed. Michael was still silent, but I could see the wheels turning in his head. Probably wondering how it ever got this bad. 

If only he knew. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is so short! I wanted to put something out and I think it's starting to push the story somewhere. I wasn't originally planning on this being a story, so I'm not sure where this is going. Any ideas or con. criticism would be much appreciated! Love ya :)


	3. Flashback: April 13, 2014

**_Flashback: April 12, 2014_ **

_“Ash…” Luke trailed off and I glanced up from my phone._

_“Yeah?” I questioned and he fidgeted in his seat. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Michael shoot him a worried look._

_“Maybe you shouldn’t go on Twitter today, I mean, there’s nothing interesting on there anyway.” Luke awkwardly fumbled with his words and I narrowed my eyes. Was Luke making excuses and if so, why?_

_“What are you talking about?” I said, glancing back down at my phone. Luke furrowed his eyebrows. “Luke…”_

_“Well,” Luke sighed, “There’s been some hate on Twitter recently.”_

_**Later…** _

_I braced myself against the sink, feeling as if all my strength was slipping away. I looked at myself in the mirror, my dark eyes staring back. A tear slipped out as I tried, just tried, to keep the hate out of my head._

_#KeepCuttingAshtonYou’reTrash_

_“I’m such an idiot.” I whispered, tightly gripping the sides of the counter. A couple more tears fell and soon I was full on sobbing. I’d actually believed that the boys wanted me here, that I deserved to be in the band, that I could stop self-harming._

_How could I have been_ so stupid?

_Then I reached for the one thing that could dissolve all my worries._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really really short little blurb, but its the beginning of a very complicated back story. So please bare with me, thank you for reading guys! Love ya


	4. More Bad News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashton is left in a confusing mess of questions. How long have I been out? What happened? And most importantly, where's Luke?

I wiped the tears from my face, as Calum gave me a heart broken look.

"You should have said something." Michael grumbled. It was now my turn to glare at him.

"I shouldn't have to, _best friend_." I hissed and Calum flinched again. I felt a glimmer of satisfaction. They were supposed to be my friends; they should know when something’s wrong. I shouldn't have to try to kill myself for them to notice.

"Ash... Don’t be like this. Please." Calum pleaded, running a shaky hand through his hair. "You too, Michael."

For Calum’s sake, I nod my head and change the subject.

"Where’s Luke?" I ask and Michael quickly looks away. It practically burns that Luke hasn't shown up yet. I mean, I used my last words to tell him that I loved him. His lack of appearance is kind of a big deal, especially after what Michael so nicely informed me. "Calum?"

Calum just looked at me for a couple seconds before he finally leaned back in his chair. "Luke’s not here right now."

"What do you mean not here? Where is he?" I said rapidly and Calum put his hands up in surrender.

"He’s just at our hotel right now. We finally got him to sleep and we didn't want to wake him just so that he could hear more bad news." Calum explained and I scrunched up my face.

"More bad news?"

"Ashton, the doctors almost lost you a couple times. As of last night, they thought you were a goner." Calum told me softly, resting a hand on mine. "We thought that..."

"We thought they were going to tell us that you were dead." Michael choked out and I snapped my gaze to him. He didn't look angry anymore, he just looked shaken up.

Like he'd seen a ghost. That's when I realized that his original fear had transformed into anger.

"I'm- I’m sorry. Not because I tried to kill myself, but because of what I put you through." I stuttered out because I didn't know how to make up for the pain they'd gone through these past couple days. I'd never wanted to hurt them, I'd just wanted the pain to end.

"You should be sorry." A different voice said harshly and I turned so fast I felt whiplash.

_Luke._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so short it makes me sad. I'm really sorry. School started last week for me and it was my first time at highschool... Very stressful. Anyway, so I didn't have much time to write and I really wanted to make sure that I posted something. Thank you for reading, love ya


	5. Flashback: January 12, 2014

No, no, this can't be happening.

 

_All I could think was that I was screwed, so fucking screwed. Of all the possible things to happen right now, this has got to be one of the worst case scenarios. I, Ashton Irwin, had inexplicably tripped head over heels in love with Luke Hemmings._

 

_Luke, as in, my band mate. My supposed best friend. The one person who was completely and utterly off limits. Just goes to show how messed up I am; not only am I gay but I love my best friend too._

 

_I tugged violently at my hair and tried not to scream._ I would figure this out; I'd be okay. _I took deep ragged breathes, willing it to be true._ I would be okay.

 

_"Ashy, where'd you go?" Calum asked outside my door and I panicked, ripping pieces of my hair out._

 

_"G-give me a second." I told him and once again, took laborious breathes._

 

You’re okay. You’re okay.

 

_Maybe if I told myself it enough, I'd start to believe it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya guys! Alright, so this is another flashback. For anyone who cares, I've decided to alternate between a present day chapter and a flashback. This way we can see and learn a little bit about Ashton, while still progressing the story line. Thanks for your patience and support! Love ya


	6. Look At Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Luke walks in, Ashton's thrown off by his appearance.

I gaped in shock as my eyes swept over the ruin that was Luke. His eyes were bloodshot and quite frankly, he looked like someone had ripped out his heart. The self hatred that bubbled up made me twitch. I'd done that to him.

 

"If you’re not sorry, then that means you’ll try again. I won't let you. You’re not fucking allowed to do that to me again." Luke swore vehemently, stalking over to the side of my bed.

 

"Luke." I tried to say something, but all that came out was his name. Fear wormed it's way into my heart and I worried about whether or not he was going to reject me. Sure, he’d said he loved me over the phone but it had probably been out of pity.

 

No one could love someone as worthless as me.

 

"Stop it. Stop it right now, Ashton. I can see it in your eyes, the way you’re putting yourself down." Luke commanded and I looked away, hiding from his gaze. "Look at me."

 

I shook my head, still stuck in the haze of self hatred in my head.

 

"Damn it, Ash, look at me." Luke said softly, but with just as much force behind it. I reluctantly raised my line of sight and he gave me a sad smile. "There’s those beautiful eyes."

 

I started to blush and Luke’s face got serious.

 

"I know you probably won't believe me, but I love you. Ashton, what you did almost killed me. I've spent the past couple of days crying my eyes out and wondering why you'd ever do this to me. Now that I have you, I hope you know that I'm never letting you go again. I won't make the same mistake again." Luke gently picked up my hand and squeezed it. I gave him a little smile as my eyes filled with tears.

 

"I... I don't even know what to say." I stumbled over my words, no where near as prepared as Luke was.

 

"Promise me you won't leave me That you'll try to get better, for me at least." Luke murmured, staring at me with those damn blue eyes. I don't know what came over me. Maybe it was the way he'd smiled, maybe it was the speech he'd given, or maybe it was because I'd fallen in love with him and I would do anything he asked me to. Either way, I gave Luke my word.

 

"I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, soooo here's the next chapter. I'm sorry it's so short but I feel like if it's shorter chapters then I can update more often. If that makes sense... Thanks for the feedback guys! Also, very important, I'm looking for an editor or really just someone to double check my work. I usually write this when I'm really tired so mistakes are bound to happen. Love ya :3


	7. Flashback: March 19, 2014

_"Oh, Ash, I forgot to get my toothbrush." Luke remembered and I jerked out of my daze. Blood oozed down my arm as I struggled to form words in my mouth._

 

_"Hold on a sec, I’m almost done." I called out, already hastily wiping at the angry cuts. It seemed like however much I mopped up though, more blood quickly replaced it._

 

_"C’mon, I’ll be in and out really quickly. You won't even notice I came in." Luke tried to convince me but there was no way in hell that I was letting him come in here right now. Nobody in their right mind would unlock that bathroom door._

 

_"Just give me a minute, okay?" My voice raised to a slightly hysterical pitch. If he would just give me a minute or two, maybe I'd have to clean up. Who am I kidding? The bathroom was covered in my blood; there was no way I'd be able to cover it up in time._

 

_"Are you okay?" Luke asked hesitantly. My heart rate shot up as I saw the door handle turn back and forth. "Ashton, why is the door locked?"_

 

_Shit. None of us ever locked our doors because in a way, we were as close as brothers. I knew now that I was completely and utterly screwed._

 

_"Open the door, Ash." Luke commanded, jiggling the handle even harder. "I know something's wrong."_

 

_"I-I’m fine." I stuttered out the most unbelievable lie and held my throbbing wrist. I was torn. I had two options: open the door and let Luke in, or wait until he forced his way in. As much as my mind was screaming at me not to, I decided the first option would go down better in the long run._

 

_"You and I both know that's a lie. Now open the door or I'm breaking it down." Luke threatened, his voice sharp._

 

_"I'm opening it now." My voice wobbled as I shuffled over to the door, my hand still gripping my wrist. The lock clicked and Luke burst through the door, his eyes raking over me. I could tell the moment he caught sight of my wrist because his whole body wound up like a coil._

 

_"You have two seconds to explain this." His voice was cold and I flinched ever so slightly. Luke caught the movement and his voice was softer when he spoke next. "Please."_

 

_"I don't- I just." I spluttered, absentmindedly noticing the blood spilling through my fingers. "I cut myself?"_

 

_"Was that a question or a statement?" Luke quirked an eyebrow, not noticing the way I started to sway._

 

_"Statement." I muttered. My head felt dizzy, like someone had stuffed it with cotton balls._

 

_"Ash?" Luke’s face creased in a frown and I started to wonder why the room was tilting. "Come over here, I think you’re gonna pass out." I fell into his arms and he swiftly picked me up._

 

_"Oh god, Ash, you’re bleeding so much." Luke murmured and I let out a small whimper._

 

_"I’m sorry." I whispered as black started to invade the corners of my vision. He squeezed me gently._

 

_"We’ll talk about this later but for now just promise me you won't do this again. Promise me, Ashton." Luke pleaded and I nodded._

 

_"I promise."_

 

_Then everything faded to a dull black haze._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so here's another glimpse into Ashton's past. I've been thinking that I'm going to try and update every weekend, because it seems like that's when I have the most time. Thanks for reading, it means a lot! xx


	8. Oh So Glad

"I hate to ruin the moment, but that was the cheesiest thing I've ever seen." Calum broke in, a small smile on his face. It looked out of place among the rest of his features, but it was a good change.

I laughed weakly, but quickly stopped when my chest started to hurt. I dissolved into a coughing fit and winced as sharp pain shot up through my ribs. Who knew trying to kill yourself would hurt so much afterwards. Luke gave me a worried look and pressed a red button on the side of the bed.

"What's that?" I asked once I had recovered, loosely gesturing towards the button.

"It's to contact the nurses. We really should have pressed it as soon as you woke up, but oh well." Luke smiled sheepishly and Calum cracked another smile. The mood seemed to be lifting in the room, but I noticed that Michael was still being oddly quiet. I had a feeling that it was going to be awhile before we were ever the same again.

"Michael?" I gulped and the room went into a stand still. He turned to look at me but his face was completely blank. I noticed Luke's grip on my hand get tighter.

"Yes?" Michael responded and his voice was anything but monotone. I picked up on anger , some sadness, but mostly anger.

"Nothing." I mumbled and hid behind my hair. Michael sighed frustratedly which in turn caused me to become annoyed. I still had no idea what his problem was; it was like he'd completely shut me out.Then the nurse burst in, interrupting whatever show down was about to happen.

"Mr.Irwin, I see you're awake." She exclaimed and I smiled feebly.

"Yup and oh so glad to be here." I tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice but you know how that always turns out. She smiled and raised an eyebrow.

"I see you're well enough to be sarcastic. I'm assuming you remember what happened?" The nurse said the last part a little hesitantly.

_Pills. Blood. Sirens._ Yeah, I remembered. My face must have betrayed me because the nurse gave me a sad look.

"It's alright. How are you feeling, physically?" She questioned and I told her of the chest pain I'd had. "That's to be expected. We had to restart your heart, Mr. Irwin."

"Yeah."

"So after the doctor comes in, we'll discuss some future options and when or if you can be released." The nurse kept her voice upbeat but I didn't miss the 'if'. My heart skipped a beat or two and I felt the world freeze.

_They might lock me up._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so this update was obviously very delayed. Sorry :c  
> Life's been pretty hectic for me and such. I just wanted to mention that obviously not all of this is true for everyone, but I base most of Ashton's story on my own. There's always going to be someone you love, take Michael for example, who are going to be bitter about what you did or tried to do. It happens. 
> 
> Anyway thanks for reading this far and I hope you continue to like it! Love ya xx


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